Understanding Sexuality

Sex can be pretty confusing. You may have been told that sex is a sacred act between two married people who love each other very much. But then you turn on your TV and you see quite a different story - people having casual or meaningless sex, using it to get revenge or to control people, or using it to advertise everything from soft drinks to vacuum cleaners.

The point is, there's a lot of bad information floating around about sex. And while you may have already had "The Sex Talk" with your parents, you may still have a few questions. Your parents, your teachers or your doctor would likely be happy to answer your questions, but let's face it, some of this stuff can be pretty embarrassing:

Wet Dreams

Sexy dreams can cause a guy to have an erection and ejaculate, or cum, during his sleep. When he wakes up, he's wet and sticky. This is a wet dream. The same occurs in girls, but the amount of moisture they produce is much less, and therefore it's not as noticeable. Wet dreams are pretty common at your age, but they don't happen to everybody, so don't worry if it doesn't happen to you.

Fantasies

Fantasies are a safe way to explore your sexual desires. They're not weird, everybody has them and they don't make you a "pervert", so don't feel guilty about having them. Fantasies help you learn more about yourself and your romantic feelings, without having to act on them. They help you figure out what turns you on and what you're comfortable with. You can learn a lot from fantasies - what you want to do and what you don't - but a lot of fantasies will just stay as fantasies. It's normal for people to fantasize about things that they wouldn't be comfortable doing in real life. Or your fantasies can set the stage for real-life situations, and prepare you to act in a way that is true to yourself. They allow you to imagine having sex...without any of the real-life consequences.

In some cases, your fantasies may become too big a part of your day.and you may spend more time in your head than on earth. Or, your fantasies become so life-like that you find it hard to hold back from trying them out in real life. In these situations, it may help to talk to someone you trust to help sort out your feelings.

The Bottom Line

Do what you need to do to answer your questions. Read books, fantasize, and ask a trusted friend lots of questions. Or if you're comfortable, you can talk to your doctor, a school nurse, or a pharmacists - remember, unless you are in danger or have broken the law, whatever you talk about with your health care provider is confidential. Just remember that getting answers to your questions will help you grow as a healthy, mature sexual being.

You might find it embarrassing to ask questions about sex, but just think: If and when you decide to have sex, don't you want to be sure that you've done your homework? If you think it's embarrassing to ask questions now, just think how embarrassing it would be later!

Contraception

Someday, you may want to have a baby. It may be when you're 18, 28, or even 38. Or you may never want to have a child. Any parent will tell you that a baby will bring unimaginable joy to your life (and, of course, sleepless nights, screaming and dirty diapers) but pregnancy should happen when you are ready. For now, it's a good idea to use contraception to avoid an unplanned pregnancy, until you're sure you want and are ready to have a baby.

Sex is such an amazing experience, so the last thing you want in the back of your head is, "oh God, what will I do if we get pregnant." That's right - we. Contraception is a shared responsibility of both partners. And remember, it only takes one "oops" to get pregnant.

So, make sure you find a contraception method that works best for you and your partner.

There's a lot more to contraception than just condoms and the Pill. For a lot of couples, these two are the obvious choice; they're effective, safe and pretty easy to use. But these days, there are literally dozens of options to choose from. There's even some exciting and highly effective new methods like the Patch or the vaginal ring.

Once you've found which contraception you and your partner like best, make sure to use it on a regular basis...and don't forget to use condoms to protect you from sexually transmitted infections.

The best way to protect yourself from pregnancy and from sexually transmitted infections (that you or your partner may not know you have) is to use a dual method of protection. that means using a male or female condom (yes, there are female condoms) along with another method of contraception.

Sexually Transmitted Infections

You've probably heard all of this before... the safe sex talk, or why you should always use condoms, birth control pills and the rest. And let's face it, talking about diseases and infections isn't exactly the most pleasant topic - it's not like you're going to just strike up a conversation on the bus about genital warts! But if one thing is true of sexually transmitted infections, it's this: It's a lot more pleasant (and a lot less embarassing) to talk about them than it is to actually get one.

The big thing you need to know is that the easiest way to get a sexually transmitted infections is by having unprotected sex, and using a condom is the most effective way to prevent them.

But in order to fully understand these "bugs" and how to protect yourself, the first step is to learn about the different types of STIs, what causes them, how to spot them, and what to do if you catch one.

Sexual and Gender Orientation

Your sexual orientation is a reflection of your sexual and emotional feelings toward people of the same or opposite gender. Although some people know early on that they are homosexual, others go through a confusing period where they wonder: Am I different? Could I be gay? Are my feelings just a passing phase?

The answer is there is no single answer. Your sexual orientation will emerge over time, probably little by little. You shouldn't label yourself as gay just because you've had homosexual feelings or even homosexual encounters. These experiences are very common among people your age. Or, you may realize over time that you're only attracted to people of your own gender. Or maybe you'll find that you're into both guys and girls - that you're bisexual.

Right now the best thing you can do is give it time and explore and experience your sexual feelings with an open mind. If it turns out you're gay, you'll probably face some unique challenges but you'll also get a lot of support along the way. The world's come a long way. It's still not perfect, but these days most people know that it's okay to be gay, and homosexuals have more social freedoms and legal protections than ever before.

You may have wondered what causes homosexuality. Why are some people gay and some people aren't? Truth is, nobody really knows for sure. Researchers used to believe that homosexuality stemmed from improper parenting (some people still believe this), but this just isn't the case. As best we know, what "causes" homosexuality is the same as what causes heterosexuality: the roll of the biological dice.

Today, sex researchers and doctors view homosexuality not as a sexual problem but as a normal sexual difference, much like green is a normal - if fairly unusual - eye colour.

What all this means is that homosexuals are no more responsible for their homosexuality than heterosexuals are for their heterosexuality. It is not a "lifestyle" you choose for yourself as much as something you discover in yourself. Which is not to say it's an easy discovery. Even if you know that homosexuality isn't a disorder or a flaw, you may fear that your family and friends won't accept you if you come out to them.

Drug-Facilitated Sexual Assault

Picture it. You wake up. You're naked. You have a pounding headache, aching muscles, and you can't remember anything from last night. One minute you and some friends are getting a ride to a party, the next you're waking up here, on a stranger's bed in a room you've never even seen before.

You search around in the dark for a minute or so, and piece-by-piece you find the clothes you were wearing last night. You quickly pull on your underwear and jeans, and are about to throw on your top when you notice something's wrong. There's a long tear stretching down from the neckline of your shirt. For a minute, you just sit there in confusion - what the heck happened last night?

Then, a spark fires in your brain. You remember something from the night before that makes your skin crawl, and in a single instant, your life is changed forever. You're not sure, but you think you've been raped.

This is drug-facilitated sexual assault, and no one's really sure how often it happens.

Often known as "drug rape" or "date rape", drug-facilitated sexual assault is when someone uses the fact that you've taken or been given alcohol or drugs to sexually assault you.

This sexual assault can be anything from unwanted kissing or touching to full-blown rape. Obviously, rape is worse than an unwanted kiss or touch, but all sexual assaults are serious crimes.

Someone could also slip a "date-rape" drug into your drink that will make you completely out of it and an easy target. These drugs can also make you pass out or erase parts of your memory, so you might wake up the next day and never know what's happened to you.

Other times, someone may take advantage of a person who's had too much to drink or took drugs willingly - a girl who is passed out at a party, for example.

Tips and Tools

People have been having sex ever since...well...people! And sex goes back a lot further than that! Yet for some reason, after 5 million years of having sex, not one of us has figured out a good way to bring it up around the dinner table.

If you're embarassed about talking about sex, join the club! For just about all of us, talking about sex is embarassing. Why?...Well, that's a much bigger question than it seems. But asking questions and getting answers about sex is important. And even though no one's gotten it down cold yet, there are ways you can make talking about sex and sexuality easier.

Check out this section for tips to getting the info you need, whether it's from your boyfriend, girlfriend, parent or doctor. And if you're concerned about your first visit to a clinic, relax.we've broken it down, piece by piece. We've also got a tonne of good articles and links worth checking out. So go ahead...surf around!

Goals for Reducing Heterosexual Bias in Language

1. Reducing heterosexual bias and increasing visibility of lesbians, gay men, and bisexual persons. Lesbians, gay men, and bisexual men and women often feel ignored by the general media which take the heterosexual orientation of their readers for granted. Unless an author is referring specifically to heterosexual people, writing should be free of heterosexual bias. Ways to increase the visibility of lesbians, gay men, and bisexual persons include:
   • Using examples of lesbians, gay men, and bisexual persons when referring to activities (e.g., parenting, athletic ability) that are erroneously associated only with heterosexual people by many readers.
   • Referring to lesbians, gay men, and bisexual persons in situations other than sexual relationships. Historically, the term "homosexuality" has connoted sexual activity rather than a general way of relating and living.
   • Omitting discussion of marital status unless legal marital relationships are the object of the writing. Marital status per se is not a good indicator of cohabitation (marital couples may be separated; unmarried couples may live together), sexual activity, or sexual orientation (a person who is married may be in a gay or lesbian relationship with a partner). Further, describing people as married or "single" renders lesbians, gay men, and bisexual persons as well as heterosexual people in cohabiting relationships invisible.
   • Referring to sexual and intimate emotional partners by both male and female pronouns (e.g., "the adolescent males were asked about the age at which they first had a male or female sexual partner").
   • Using sexual terminology that is relevant to lesbians and gay men as well as bisexual and heterosexual people (e.g., "when did you first engage in sexual activity?" rather than "when did you first have sexual intercourse?").
   • Avoiding the assumption that pregnancy may result from sexual activity (e.g., "it is recommended that women attending the clinic who currently are engaging in sexual activity with men be given oral contraceptives" instead of "it is recommended that women who attend the clinic be given oral contraceptives").
2. Clarity of expression and avoidance of inaccurate stereotypes about lesbians and gay men. Stigmatizing or pathologizing language regarding gay men and lesbians should be avoided (e.g., "sexual deviate," "sexual invert"). Authors should take care that examples do not further stigmatize lesbians, gay men, or bisexual persons (e.g., an example such as "psychologists need training in working with special populations such as lesbians, drug abusers, and alcoholics" is stigmatizing in that it lists a status designation (lesbians) with designations of people being treated.
3. Comparisons of lesbians or gay men to parallel groups. When comparing a group of gay men or lesbians to others, parallel terms have not always been used. For example, contrasting lesbians with "the general public" or to "normal women" portrays lesbians as marginal to society. More appropriate comparison groups might be "heterosexual women," "heterosexual men and women," or "gay men and heterosexual women and men."

Problems of Terminology

Problems occur in language concerning lesbians, gay men, and bisexual persons when language is too vague or concepts are poorly defined. There are two major problems of designation. First, language may be ambiguous in reference, so that the reader is not clear about its meaning or its inclusion and exclusion criteria. Second, "homosexuality" has been associated in the past with deviance, mental illness, and criminal behavior, and these negative stereotypes may be perpetuated by bias.

1. Sexual orientation is a preferred term for psychological writing over "sexual preference" and refers to sexual/affectional relationships of lesbian, gay, bisexual, and heterosexual people. The word "preference" suggests a degree of voluntary choice that is not necessarily reported by lesbians and gay men and that has not been demonstrated in psychological research.

   The terms "lesbian sexual orientation," "heterosexual sexual orientation," "gay male sexual orientation," and "bisexual sexual orientation" are preferable over "lesbianism," "heterosexuality", "homosexuality", and "bisexuality", respectively. The former terms focus on people and some of the latter terms have in the past been associated with pathology.

2. Lesbian and gay male are preferred to the word "homosexual" when used as an adjective referring to specific persons or groups, and lesbians and gay men are preferred terms over "homosexuals" used as a noun when referring to specific persons or groups. The word "homosexual" has several problems of designation. First, it may perpetuate negative stereotypes because of its historical associations with pathology and criminal behavior. Second, it is ambiguous in reference because it is often assumed to refer exclusively to men and thus renders lesbians invisible. Third, it is often unclear.

   The terms "gay male" and "lesbian" refer primarily to identities and to the modern culture and communities that have developed among people who share those identities. They should be distinguished from sexual behavior. Some men and women have sex with others of their own gender but do not consider themselves to be gay or lesbian. In contrast, the terms "heterosexual" and "bisexual" currently are used to describe identity as well as behavior.

   The terms "gay" as an adjective and "gay persons" as a noun have been used to refer to both males and females. However, these terms may be ambiguous in reference since readers who are used to the term "lesbian and gay" may assume that "gay" refers to men only. Thus it is preferable to use "gay" or "gay persons" only when prior reference has specified the gender composition of this term.

   Such terms as "gay male" are preferable to "homosexuality" or "male homosexuality" and so are grammatical reconstructions (e.g., "his colleagues knew he was gay" rather than "his colleagues knew about his homosexuality"). The same is true for "lesbian" over "female homosexual", "female homosexuality", or "lesbianism."

3. Same-gender behavior, male-male behavior, and female-female behavior are appropriate terms for specific instances of same-gender sexual behavior that people engage in regardless of their sexual orientation (e.g., a married heterosexual man who once had a same-gender sexual encounter). Likewise, it is useful that women and men not be considered "opposites" (as in "opposite sex") to avoid polarization, and that heterosexual women and men not be viewed as opposite to lesbians and gay men. Thus, male-female behavior is preferred to the term "opposite sex behavior" in referring to specific instances of other-gender sexual behavior that people engage in regardless of their sexual orientation.

   When referring to sexual behavior that cannot be described as heterosexual, gay, lesbian, or bisexual, special care needs to be taken. Descriptions of sexual behavior among animal species should be termed "male-male sexual behavior" or "male-female sexual behavior" rather than "homosexual behavior" or "heterosexual behavior," respectively.

4. Bisexual women and men, bisexual persons, or bisexual as an adjective refer to people who relate sexually and affectionally to women and men. These terms are often omitted in discussions of sexual orientation and thus give the erroneous impression that all people relate exclusively to one gender or another. Omission of the term "bisexual" also contributes to the invisibility of bisexual women and men. Although it may seem cumbersome at first, it is clearest to use the term "lesbians, gay men, and bisexual women or men" when referring inclusively to members of these groups.

5. Heterosexual as an adjective is acceptable for people who have male-female affectional/sexual relationships and who do not engage in sexual relationships with people of the same gender.

6. Use of gender instead of sex. The terms "sex" and "gender" are often used interchangeably. Nevertheless, the term "sex" is often confused with sexual behavior, and this is particularly troublesome when differentiating between sexual orientation and gender. The phrase "it was sexual orientation, rather than gender, that accounted for most of the variance" is clearer than "it was sexual orientation, rather than sex, that accounted for most of the variance."

   In the latter phrase, "sex" may be misinterpreted as referring to sexual activity. It is generally more precise to use the term "gender."